Lafayette, GA – Office loudmouth Darlene Waingrow informed coworkers that she is determined to make 2019 the year that she finally speaks her mind and “starts getting real” with those around her. Waingrow, who describes herself as “half-Virgo, half-firebrand, half-motivational speaker, half-World War II-era German landmine”, apparently reached this decision after spending her entire New Year’s Eve re-watching old Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episodes.
“I’ve played nice for too long,” said Waingrow, who flushed Tonya Woodsworth’s iPhone down the toilet last week because she was sick of Woodsworth’s ‘Despacito’ ringtone. “That’s why I’m declaring my intention to run for president in 2020. Oh, and also to be much more liberal about how often I mace people at work.”
The bold declaration has raised alarms with Waingrow’s manager, Oliver Haynes, who admitted that he’s unsure of how to proceed going forward.
“I would fire Darlene, but the last time we were alone in an office together, she thought I wanted to sleep with her and began stripping in front of me,” recalled Haynes. “First off, I’m married. Second off, she was drunk and it was 11 a.m. Finally, the office has a giant window for a wall, so everyone could see what was happening.
“And for some reason H.R. wrote me up for that, saying I should’ve known better since Darlene had just finished taking that pole-dancing class. Anyway, I’m not going anywhere near her after that.”
Fortunately, other coworkers have banded together in an attempt to redirect Waingrow’s newfound boldness away from work and instead shift it towards her mother.