Bloomington, MN – In what what been described as “the biggest Christmas miracle in office history”, Jacob Griffith, team supervisor for local loss prevention staffing agency “Rent-A-Body”, will postpone firing underperforming security guard Amelia Reese until after she brings her home-made cranberry orange shortbread cookies to the office. Griffith confirmed that he would also settle for a batch of white chocolate dipped peppermint sugar cookies, eggnog snickerdoodle, or spiced shortbread, as suitable holiday treats that Reese could bring in as substitutes.
Reese has been a performance improvement plan for over 19 months for repeatedly failing to patrol any of Rent-A-Body’s client’s properties and instead blaming any reported incidents on her neighbor’s 17-year-old son, who Reese has accused of “never picking up his dog’s poop on anyone else’s lawn”.
However, Reese has previously escaped termination by bringing in raspberry-almond kiss cookies for Valentine’s Day, fruit-tart flag cake for the Fourth of July, and Torah cannoli for Hanukkah. Reese took up baking shortly after discovering that her manager, Griffith, has a self-diagnosed weakness for sweets.
“Well, on the one hand Amelia’s terrible at her job and we’ve lost every client that she’s been assigned to,” said Griffith. “But on the other hand, those cookies are better than anything I’ve ever eaten. I would seriously consider leaving my wife for her because of them.
“I mean, besides the fact that we have a child together. Oh, and also I love her. That too, definitely.”
Griffith expects to terminate her right after Christmas, unless Reese decides to make her New Year’s Double Decker cheesecake.