Fresno, CA – Concerns mounted over Crowley Technologies’s annual holiday party after employees were informed that the festivities would be held at an abandoned psychiatric ward, specifically so that “no law of man would be able to pass judgment on their rites”. Suspicions continued to grow after H.R. sent an email stating all employees are required to sign liability waivers that would protect Crowley Technologies from any accidents that lead to “injury, death, or theft of soul”. The email also said that an open bar would be provided after employees complained about last year’s cash bar.
“My parents always told me not to take a job that destroys my soul, but I just thought they meant that figuratively, like not putting my business degree to use,” said junior account Francis Aquino. “But after seeing how much pig’s blood has been ordered for this party, I’m wondering if they meant it literally.”
Crowley Technologies Chief Officer of the Occult and VP of People Operations Herbert LaVey sought to ease concerns about any ulterior motives for the party, insisting that the goal is “to put together an evening that’s to die for”.
“As both COO and VP of People Operations, it’s my duty and pleasure to ensure that everyone has an unforgettable night, one that transcends our mere existence on this plane,” stated LaVey, while stroking his black cat, Alistair. “Also, we’re reimbursing all ride-share apps to get to and from the party, which I think is pretty neat.”
Based on LaVey’s statements, as well as the open bar, some employees found themselves taking a more wait-and-see approach.
“At least this is more interesting than the typical office holiday party where they hand out a couple drink tickets and throw a karaoke machine in the corner of the break room,” said marketing director Lynn Knowles. “I figure I’ll bring a cross, the Torah, and an open mind.”