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“You Know I’m Not Me Until I’ve Had My First Cup”: Lack of Coffee Blamed for CEO’s Racial Epithets

Tempe, AZ – CEO Dominic Burns, who made spouted a profane series of racist Asian comments (specifically directed towards the Philippines), has blamed the two hour outburst on not having his ritual morning coffee.  Burns went off on the small island country as soon as he entered the office where he saw employees socializing in the kitchen, only to inform them that “their performance is a bigger disaster than the time Mt. Pinatubo erupted June 15, 1991, outside of Manila”.

Burns then proceeded unprompted to lash out against the Philippines Basketball Association, calling it a “joke of a league” that will never produce a single NBA player, questioned how chicken feet could be considered a delicacy, and declared Manny Pacquiao “a terrible politician that’s just phoning in boxing fights for a paycheck.”

While Burns expressed remorse for his inappropriate language, he sought to emphasize how it wasn’t his fault.

“Look, I feel terrible, but I can’t be held accountable for this, my wife knows I’m not fully awake until I’ve had my first cup of coffee,” explained Burns.  “That’s why she’s forgiven me for a few multiple occasions where I’ve been having an affair before 8 a.m.  Both my brain and my junk are on auto-pilot and acting on instinct until I’m caffeinated; it’s not like I’m doing any of this intentionally.

“Whatever, it’s not like they even have the Internet over there, so what do I care what they think?”

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