Fort Lauderdale, FL – Scandal rocked the law offices of Woodrow & Associates after every member of their softball team, Nolo Contendere, tested positive for steroids, including bull testosterone, deer antler spray, and crocodile blood. The team has been suspended, effective immediately, for the rest of the season. Nolo Contendere, currently averaging a league-record 53 runs and two parking lot fights a game, has garnered a reputation for its overly aggressive play, especially after starting pitcher Tim Dwyer drilled home-plate umpire and Methodist preacher Reggie Abner with a 112 MPH fastball. Dwyer said that he was “sending a message” to Abner’s wife, Phyllis Abner, after she yawned during the game.
Madison Woodrow, founder of Woodrow & Associates, accepted full responsibility for his team’s actions, noting that “it wasn’t the best idea to tie Christmas bonuses to our softball team record”, and that he “strongly regretted” updating the company drug policy to an ESPN article from 1998 about how great Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa’s home run chase was for America.
“In hindsight, I could see how going around the office and telling people that winning this softball championship will determine whether or not they have a job here next year could be misconstrued,” stated Woodrow. “Perhaps telling the team that baseball players like Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro should be respected for doing anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to win, sent mixed messages as well.
“Also, our thoughts and prayers are with Joe Munoz, and we hope that he comes out of the coma before the holidays.”