Augusta, GA – Coworkers at food delivery service Appli-Cater have become increasingly disturbed by software engineer Mason Travis’ increasingly lewd conversation with his computer. Travis, who is recently single, has always talked to his desktop as if it were a person, but since his girlfriend left him, Travis has begun referring to his iMac as a “filthy little thing” that just “needs her daddy to tell her how to behave”.
The pillow-talk hasn’t gone unnoticed by Travis’ coworkers, and it’s apparent that they would prefer he find a different outlet to release any pent-up relationship aggression.
“I don’t have any idea what Travis’ dating life is like or what he’s into, and I’m not one to judge him for any of it,” said QA lead Dexter Chung. “But I just think it would be best for all of us here if he found another girlfriend as soon as possible.
“Or at least just spend more time on Tinder, or maybe something like Backpage. Or the dark web, I’m pretty sure that’s where all the most degenerate internet stuff is nowadays.”
Chung spoke with H.R. last week about Travis’ aggressive innuendo, but he was informed that Travis hadn’t violated any rules.
“There’s technically nothing that Mason has said that goes against our employee policy since he’s talking to his computer, which hasn’t filed any complaint,” said H.R. director Rajesh Gupta. “For all we know, the computer may consider it fun office banter between coworkers.”
Chung, however, wasn’t satisfied.
“What’s next? Spanking the printer? Fingering the coffee machine? It only gets weirder from here.”