Ballston, MD – Clarice Sweetin, H.R. coordinator at Blam-Blam game studio, informed coworkers that she stays completely informed on current events solely by watching whatever is showing on T.V. at her local Subway/Chevron while ordering her usual sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich. Sweetin’s coworkers consider this to be an improvement over how she previously consumed the news by reading bumper stickers on the back of Ford F-150s outside her apartment complex’s dog park.
Sweetin, who never finished high school and spends her free time arguing in Taylor Swift’s Instagram account’s comments section about “whether or not feminism has gone too far”, considers herself fully up to speed on the latest news after watching roughly three minutes of cable T.V. political sound bites and two minutes of hair-restoration commercials. Despite not knowing who any of her elected state officials are, Sweetin also believes strongly that they could all be replaced by a bunch of monkeys wearing Baltimore Ravens football jerseys and do just as good, if not better, of a job.
While Sweetin considers herself fully informed, she will occasionally eat in at Subway if there’s an issue on T.V. that she finds particularly compelling, such as presidential election results or Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show highlights.