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Financial Analyst Just Going To Ignore All Those Red Numbers

Lewiston, ID – After spending the past three weeks chasing down executives for final revenue numbers and operating costs to finally close out third quarter financial records for dating app Impregnato, Perry Kanter, third year financial analyst, pondered briefly whether to raise any alarms with others after discovering that Impregnato burned through money for the past three months almost eight times higher than previously forecasted.  However, after weighing the extra work that would most likely come his way, Kanter instead turned up the volume of his headphones and dug into Call of Duty streams on Twitch for the next six hours.

Approximately 17 seconds before leaving the office, Kanter sent an email out stating that the quarterly numbers were ready and that because he would be on vacation starting tomorrow, any questions should be directed to his manager.  No further information was included, such as the fact that none of their marketing initiatives resulted in a positive ROI, they had missed target revenue goals by over 50%, or that operating expenses had ballooned by 7500% after Impregnato began reimbursing employees for any Lyft rides, including on their own free time.

Kanter’s manager confirmed that Kanter submitted the time off request about five minutes before sending the report out.

 

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