Grand Rapids, MI – Despite failing to win the record-breaking $1.6 billion Mega Millions jackpot, mild-mannered lab equipment manager Devin Garza still intends to deliver a 10-minute resignation speech, which will cover roughly 14 years worth of built-up grievances, professional slights, and imaginary grudges. Garza confirmed that he plans on shouting the entire speech at roughly the same volume as the time he yelled at the ref during his teenage daughter’s field hockey game. He also confirmed that he’s already taken a few shots of vodka to help get the nerves settled.
After spending every morning in the shower for over 13 years imagining himself delivering a resignation speech so rousing that all of his coworkers applauded and immediately resigned with him, Garza joked with his wife that he would actually go through with it if they were the Mega Millions winners. However, Garza’s wife was not informed that he still planned to go through with what she considered “just a fun daydream to get through the commute”, despite the fact that they have over $80,000 in credit card debt, have no retirement savings, and just took out a second mortgage on their house to purchase Garza’s dream car, a 1971 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.
Garza’s resignation speech highlights include:
- Calling out the receptionist for flossing at her desk
- Accusing two married coworkers of sleeping together (while Garza has no proof, he expects them to confess from sheer guilt)
- Inform H.R. that karaoke is a terrible idea for Christmas parties
- Mock the CEO for his wife’s opioid addiction
Garza plans on starting his performance just as soon as he picks which chair to throw at his boss’ desk.