Office Vultures Descend From Ceiling To Pick Away At Leftover Donuts

After Beatrice Lin’s birthday donuts were left in the Advernario kitchen, office vultures descended from their perches in the ceiling tiles to scavenge what remained from the party.  The vultures are unable to cook for themselves, so they live solely off the desiccated remains left behind by other coworkers, routinely feeding off of any leftovers they come across.  They have been spotted rummaging through coworkers’ trash cans to find any uneaten remains, such as leftover McDonald’s fries or the last slurp of a Jamba Juice smoothie.

Employees know not to disrupt their eating rituals out of fear of angering the pack, often leading to violent encounters.  Last quarter Justin Wei lost a thumb when he tried to clean up a slice of cake on the floor, instead finding out too late that a vulture was already swooping in for its remains.

The office vultures’s reputation has become almost as legendary as it is feared.  Advernario’s office manager, Tilda Donaghue, was shocked at how thoroughly they scavenged everything they could find at last year’s Fourth of July buffalo wing eating contest.

“We ordered over 1,000 wings for our 200 employees,” recalled Donaghue.  “Not only did they eat all the wings, they went through the dumpster and ate all the bones.”

The vultures have already started circling around Carita Sangh’s desk in anticipation of her 29th birthday tomorrow.

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