Olympia, WA – Despite the best efforts of FEMA and Homeland Security for the past 72 hours, officials were forced to admit that app developer Pixonix’s kitchen still reeked of fish, specifically Jacqueline Noriega’s microwaved halibut. While Noriega was reportedly aware of the noxious environment that microwaving her leftovers would create, she reheated the fish anyway since she spent 80 dollars on a Sur La Table cooking class and told coworkers that she would “eat it every day until (she) gets (her) money’s worth.”
“Unfortunately, we have to throw in the towel on this disaster site and focus on saving what we can,” said regional FEMA director Michael Goodwin. “We’ve evacuated all the frozen foods and canned goods, but to anyone who brought in their own lunch: do not go back for it. It’s lost. We cannot protect you from this horrible odor that smells like a Sea World employee’s backseat after he had to dispose of a dolphin that died over a week ago.”
Reaction from other companies within the office complex has been mixed. Formulono located a floor below Pixonix, was quick to offer the use of their kitchen facilities to survivors. Bushwrex, which is located directly above Pixonix, instead demanded a formal apology as well as over a dozen scented candles to block out the lingering smell, preferably lavender.
Disaster relief officials across all of Washington are already worried about their lack of preparation for next week, when Noriega’s cooking class will be making the Indian delicacy, lamb tikka masala.