San Diego, CA – After it was revealed that Elon Musk’s unhinged tweets regarding taking Tesla private led to the SEC investigation that forced him to resign and pay $40 million in fines, CEOs across the country spent yesterday afternoon frantically Googling to find out who the Securities and Exchange Commission is and what its responsibilities are. Sources reported that the executives were “shocked” to discover that there is an appointed government agency dedicated to reviewing and punishing fraudulent corporate activities.
As company leaders finished reading about the SEC on sites like Yahoo Answers and Reddit, many found themselves humorously bewildered to discover that the SEC has existed for over 80 years.
“You’re telling me that this SEC has existed since 1934, and it’s had the power to investigate and take to trial any corporate fraud it discovers?” asked one shell-shocked CEO who preferred to remain anonymous. “But they’ve never gone after the major telecommunication companies for price fixing, or seriously punishing any of the big banks for laundering South American drug cartel money, or Nestle bottling water in drought-plagued California when it doesn’t actually own the land?”
Some executives were confused by the SEC’s involvement due to confusion between the federal agency and the Southeastern Conference college football division. While they incorrectly found it unnerving that a college football division would have the authority to rule on business fraud, they respected that it was “the toughest conference in college football” and hoped that Nick Saban, coach of Alabama and winner of five of the last nine college football national championships, made the decision himself.
Multiple sources confirmed that Saban had no involvement into these matters.