Baltimore, MD – Slack-jawed employees at media company Jander.TV couldn’t help but stare in a mixture of laughter and horror as Keller Gibson, community manager, cracked open a Mountain Dew at his desk before 9:00 a.m. EST. Gibson informed coworkers that the Mountain Dew came with the two nacho cheese and beef taquitos he purchased at 7-Eleven.
Gibson claimed that Mountain Dew gave him the energy needed to start the day, which, according to multiple reports, routinely consists of exclusively spending the morning watching Call of Duty gaming streams on Twitch.tv.
While Sarah Roberson, Gibson’s manager, is aware of his lack of performance, she has instead found her own unique reason for keeping Gibson on the team.
“It’s like a science experiment at this point,” said Roberson. “I’m just excited to see what he’ll consume next, because that’s not even the worst thing I’ve seen Keller drink. One time he drank half a Sunkist mixed with Copenhagen dip spit. One of his coworkers literally quit on the spot after watching that.”
Coworkers were repulsed and intrigued to find out that Gibson’s lunch plans involve eating directly out of the nearby dumpster shared by Chili’s and Outback Steakhouse.