Claremore, OK – After two months of preparation, coworkers at Metazio had all reached the same mutual conclusion that their fantasy football league wouldn’t finish the season after barely completing the first week. League commissioner Ashton Garris blamed a lack of “human decency and grade school education” as the main factors leading to the league’s demise.
“This is supposed to be a fun way to bond with your coworkers while talking a little trash,” complained Garris. “And yet, it’s week one, and Dave (Remmer) doesn’t even have a quarterback starting. How is that possible? It’s the first week, there are literally no injuries or byes. The app even sends push notifications. Wasn’t his college major English? Can he not read?”
When asked for a response, Remmer defended his actions, instead shifting blame to Garris’ league rules.
“The whole league is just made up of terrible rules,” stated Remmer. “It’s just an office league, we don’t even have a buy-in, so don’t make it weird. Instead each team is starting four quarterbacks. There are sixteen teams in this league and only 32 NFL teams. It’s literally not possible for all of us to start a full roster.”
The incident isn’t the first time that Garris has tried — and failed — to start an office fantasy football league.
“Yeah, I remember the last time Ashton tried to start a fantasy league two years ago,” reminisced Carl Nolen. “It was going pretty well until week nine, when Jennifer (Cheng) traded me Ezekiel Elliott for Antonio Brown. Ashton got so upset about it that he told H.R. that we were sleeping together. When they ignored him, he screamed in the kitchen for ten straight minutes until a blood vessel in his skull burst and he was rushed to the hospital with a brain aneurysm.
“After he got out of the hospital we all agreed to take a year off from fantasy and revisit. We could’ve probably used more time.”