Burlington, VT – Newly hired business development manager Chad Mendez introduced himself to the team as a “self-classified hug addict” that “just loves a good hug”. In his opinion, there’s no better way to show appreciation for hard work than with a prolonged, extended physical embrace with the other person. Mendez will also hug Cryptolium coworkers that are having a bad day in the office, have lost a loved one, had a newborn child, or smell really good.
“In this digital age, it’s easy for all of us to lose our way and forget that we all need human touch,” stated Mendez, while rubbing the inside of his pants. “It’s alarming how many Americans will go to work and sit there for 40 hours a week without getting in the requisite intimate touch that we all need.
“Did you know that in European countries, it’s standard practice to just remove your shirts altogether and touch chests? It’s also not uncommon to sit in your coworker’s lap, or to have massage oil at your desk in case anyone needs a footrub. I’m hoping to bring those same values here to Cryptolium.”
Multiple international companies confirmed that none of these statements are true.
“Look, I’m trying to not just call it weird,” said Carla Gilbert, account manager at Cryptolium. “But Chad hugged me when he found out that I have a brother, and he didn’t let go until I asked. Also, my bra was unhooked after he let go. So yeah, it’s just weird.”
Human Resources has already begun filing termination paperwork for Mendez, who has concluded his first day at Cryptolium.