Eugene, OR – Paralium’s laziest, lowest-performing team members were outraged to find out that they could no longer access Netflix at work. These employees, who spend more time in the kitchen than at their desk, might actually have to do some work for once, their coworkers reported. However, initial reports indicate that this will not be the case.
Jillian Parks, a space occupier in accounting, declared the decision “something that only happens in prison”. Parks, who had called in sick to play World of Warcraft that day, took it as a personal affront and vowed to retaliate by calling in sick through at least next week.
“It’s a slap in the face,” Joey Wagner, an account manager that actually thinks he can do his boss’ job even though he only has three months of experience, stated. “I get to work on time, I get my work done, and I can multi-task. Why can’t I also watch some Katt Williams?”
Sources confirmed that Wagner does not arrive at his scheduled time and routinely finishes projects several days late. They were able to confirm his ability to multi-task, especially between Netflix and PlentyofFish.com, a dating site where his interests include “staying on that grind 24/7 366 cuz every year’s a leap year when you taking big steps”.
Tensions have lowered since Wagner shared his HBO Go login on the office whiteboard.