Mobile, AL – Tensions flared between office management and employees after healthy snacks were introduced to promote a healthier lifestyle. Previously, the kitchen was kept stocked with chips, candy, sodas and energy drinks. At 9am Monday, coworkers were shocked to instead find fruits, vegetables and kombucha in the kitchen. At 9:07am, lead QA engineer Frank Zambroni called an emergency all-hands meeting to bring the issue to light. He directed most of his ire at HR director Daniel Fuentes, who took responsibility for the “Snackgate” scandal. Zambroni defiantly yelled for five minutes straight before stopping to catch his breath until lunch.
“I’m pretty sure we live in the United States of America, not some dictatorship like Norway,” shouted Zambroni, who has never left the country or ordered a salad without BBQ dressing. “This country was built on blood, sweat, Mountain Dew Code Red, Cool Ranch Doritos, and 7-11 taquitos. And maybe their breakfast sandwiches if it’s before noon.
“Is anyone going to 7-11? Can you pick me up a six pack of Rockstar Pure Zero Mandarin Orange?”
Prior to this instance, Zambroni had only scheduled one other meeting in his twelve year tenure: on May 24, 2010 to discuss how disappointed he was in the “Lost” series finale.
When asked for comment, Fuentes replied, “look, I’m not supposed to disclose this, but Zambroni is a Type 2 diabetic. We’re 99% certain he’s going to die of a heart attack in the next year if he keeps eating like he does, and we’re trying to avoid paying out on his ridiculous life insurance policy. Not to mention it took two separate gas stations to keep up with his monthly Funyun consumption.”
Zambroni has reportedly quadrupled his trips to the office espresso machine until the office is re-stocked with kettle chips.