Man Contemplates Not Coming to Work for 14,675th Consecutive Day

San Francisco, CA – Gerald Durham, controller at Metacero, set a personal-best record when he contemplated not coming into work for the 14,675th straight day.  Durham, who hasn’t gone on vacation or called in sick for over five years and is considered a model employee, once again found himself contemplating how far his current life savings could take him from the neverending rut that is his life.

Before heading into the office, where he would pretend to care about his coworkers’ lives and feign interest in the company’s quarterly earnings, Durham went through his traditional morning routine:  sitting in his parked car for exactly five minutes while considering driving back home, checking his LinkedIn app for any new career opportunities, pacing outside the office building wondering what he had done wrong in a previous life, and finally, talking himself out of walking into moving traffic.  He then spent the entire day dreading every email notification and daydreaming in meetings about the building catching fire.

“It’s great to come in to this office and see these coworkers,” Durham said, his eyes constantly drifting to the park outside.  “Not a lot of folks have the privilege of coming to the same office, seeing the same people, and crunching the same numbers for 40 years.”  Durham paused and stared at the ceiling for five minutes before continuing.

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to even consider that retirement is only 1,761 days, 13 hours and 44 minutes away.”

Durham planned on celebrating the milestone by going to the lobby cafeteria, also for a record-setting 14,675th straight day.

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