CEO Furious Tech Team Never Stole Facebook User Data

Plano, TX – Months after discovering that Cambridge Analytica, a political consulting firm, had datamined over 80 million users on Facebook, Javier Duncan was enraged to discover that his company also hadn’t taken user data from Facebook.  Duncan, CEO of Amphimm, berated his tech team at their tech scrum, over email, and during their team-building lunch at Applebee’s.

“Our industry is evolving, and it takes bold steps to keep up”, Duncan commented.  “Our competition isn’t going to wait for someone to check the rulebook, and neither can we.”  Duncan, 47, prides himself on not being a “fossil of the industry”.

When asked to respond, Kelley Long, vice president of technology, stated:  “first off, we sell aquariums.  Second off, we don’t have a Facebook page.  Third off, I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing we aren’t embroiled in a massive data-breach scandal.”

Upon learning that Facebook had fixed the data leak, Duncan directed his tech team to pivot hard into Snapchat optimization.

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