Venice, CA – In a dubious effort to provide subject matter expertise during a workplace discussion about marathon training, Sebastian Adolfo seemed to equate the runner’s high sensation with the typical effects of getting high on marijuana. Adolfo noted that he didn’t even feel a runner’s high when he ran his first 5k, but now he gets one if he…

Indianapolis, IN – In an effort to crack down on drinking at work, SkanduTech has updated their policy to forbid any alcohol consumption while working, except in cases where it would just be really, really helpful to have a glass or two. Previously, SkandueTech had developed a reputation for not only allowing but actively encouraging employees to drink by celebrating…

Dallas, TX – After cramming her feet into every crevasse and cranny, Tracy Walters declared sole proprietorship of the office’s new $2,000 West Elm leather sofa. Walters spent over 40 minutes probing the couch cushions with her hooves while also commenting on how sweating they were after returning from her five-mile sock-less run. When asked for comment about her hostile…

Los Angeles, CA – Calling the report “completely mystifying”, social media manager Tracy Alvarez was stunned to find out that she only spends 22 hours each day staring at a screen, somehow wasting two hours not checking Instagram, not playing Words With Friends, not buying something on Amazon, and not commenting on Buzzfeed articles rounding up the most brilliant Tweets…

Does Moines, IA – In an effort to liven up weekly sales meetings, senior revenue analyst and noted Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast Sarah Guthrie has required colleagues to take on fantasy roles ranging from noble paladins to brutish orcs in order to slay the evil dragon, Tiamat. The dragon’s hoarded gold stash represents their annual revenue goal, which the team…

Milwaukee, WI – Declaring herself “the one with all the power now”, office receptionist Patty Frazier announced that none of her coworkers would receive any Valentine’s Day gifts until management gave in to her demands. Her requests include unlimited paid time off, a 50% pay raise, and for Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre to divorce his wife and propose…

By Jason Holmes Senior Vice President, Holmes Aerodynamics As the youngest Senior Vice President in Holmes Aerodynamics’ proud 54-year history, I’ve heard the whispers from coworkers when I walk down the hallways. I’ve seen the glares shot at me when my Mazda RX-7, an exact replica of Vin Diesel’s first car in The Fast And The Furious, drifts into the…

Bellevue, WA – Inspired by Marie Kondo to declutter their workplace, electropop music review site Technocritical dramatically simplified their floor plan by removing both bathrooms and instead installing one giant trough to be shared by all employees. The change comes after Technocritical’s previous renovations, such as removing the office fridge to improve feng shui, no longer providing parking so encourage…

Vancouver, WA – Declaring it a tragedy that couldn’t be prevented, anti-vaccination publicity agency VacciNOtions’ CEO, Reuben Conner, confirmed that all of the company’s employees had passed away after an account executive infected with measles courageously came to work instead of calling out sick. More than 30 employees are confirmed dead after they opted not to go to to the…

Los Angeles, CA – Considering their plight a pain they know all too well, employees at Silicon Beach companies that have their thermostat set to lower than 70 degrees related to the frigid, arctic conditions that Midwest America has struggled to overcome. Tech workers in Southern California compare the adverse weather conditions that cities like Chicago are suffering through to…