San Francisco, CA – Employees consoled each other in mourning as they could only stand powerlessly nearby while fire fighters successfully extinguished a kitchen fire.  Officials stated that the fire was started by an anonymous individual who accidentally tried to microwave over a dozen firecrackers.  Multiple anonymous employees described themselves as “inconsolable” after discovering that the fire department was able…

Washington, D.C. – Americans were distraught and confused at a national level on Tax Day this year after finding out that last year’s massive tax reform plan still required them to continue pay way too much money to a bunch of anonymous government a–holes, instead thinking that last year’s bitter back-and-forth over tax reform between Democrats and Republicans was about…

Portland, OR – After listening to Carlton Carter, CEO of marketing agency You4ia, privately deride his entire executive team as “wishy-washy limpwrists that never met a decision they couldn’t punt on”, business consultant Bianca Wolfe smiled to herself knowing that Carter’s debacle of a company would be a goldmine of client, never able to properly evaluate her performance due to…

Riverside, CA – Despite sitting directly next to each other and oftentimes collaborating on the same marketing projects, coworkers Claude Guerrero and Justin Underwood actually conversed with each other for the first time since August 28, 2017, to talk about how awesome the latest “Game of Thrones” episode was. Guerrero and Underwood have somehow managed to avoid making any sort…

San Diego, CA – Knowing the importance of not spending the day in an office and instead taking the time to enjoy this fleeting thing called life, San Diego appliance manufacturer Spincyclers told employees to spend the day enjoying the balmy 72 degree weather, preferably with a nice rum cocktail at the beach. In addition, Spincyclers CEO Saul Jennings told…

New York, NY – Realizing he was about to go almost 20 seconds without some sort of constant stimulation, Geoff Underwood quickly pulled out his iPhone while using the urinal at work. Thanks to his quick reflexes and complete disregard for keeping his phone sanitary, he was able to catch up on all the latest Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter feed…

Bethesda, MD – After coworkers refused Tony Croft’s demands that they take his lack of an HBO account into consideration and stop discussing the series finale of The Wire, Croft felt he had no choice than to file an official discrimination complaint with the Human Resources department and what he called their “responsibility to protect all workers from damaging spoilers…

Seattle, WA – Revealing just how large the gender gap remains in corporate America, a new report released by the University of Washington discovered that female executives are 90% more likely to not have a desk in their office than male executives. Instead, female executives are more likely to work either sitting on the floor or while standing in a…

Kansas City, MO – Despite bearing absolutely no relevance to his professional career, underachieving salesman Dax Keegan actually thought it was a good idea to list his CrossFit gym membership on his LinkedIn certifications, where he thinks potential work connections will be blown away by his inability to do a single pull-up correctly. Keegan, who hasn’t listed any of his…

El Paso, TX – After pushing down her natural reaction to slap her boss across the face and instead letting out a clearly forced laugh, Sonya Patterson declined Jeremy Elliott’s offer to show her “how a real man would make (her) feel in the bedroom.” The unnecessarily polite rebuttal marks the 600th consecutive day that Patterson has had to turn…